Not so much a “good” as a “typical” start to the second half of the season,
then. Scarily, though, with the other teams in our division taking games off
each other, even at 4-5 we’re only 2 games off the division lead and potentially
1 win from a wildcard berth. What we need now to help raise the team’s
confidence for the run-in is a complete patsy, a group of absolute no-hopers who
we can obliterate without breaking a sweat...
Ah. A visit to Cleveland. The Gods Of Scheduling smile upon us.
“Funny, that’s exactly what they’re
saying.”
Pah. Which of us is 2-7 then, eh? Eh? EH?
“Well done. You might just have found the only team in the Universe that’s
worse than your lot. There’s little to choose between Tim Couch and Kelly
Holcombe under centre, but expect Holcombe to be the starter on Sunday. They’re
backed up by rookie Nate Hybl, who was hiding under the stairs when the vowels
were handed out. William Green is one of those lumbering, powerful, Marcel Shipp
kind of halfbacks, but he’s handicapped by the fact that he’s got almost no
blocking at all up front. Although the sight of TE Steve Heiden’s cold, plastic
face and dead, soulless eyes may well have grown men screaming for mercy.”
I’ve seen pictures. He looks like the Mekon.
“Exactly. If, by some miracle, Holcombe stays upright behind that powder-puff
o-line, you’re in trouble because his receiving corps is good and deep –
Johnson, Morgan, Northcutt, Davis, it’s just a case of choosing your poison,
really. Not that your defence is prone to giving up big plays or anything.”
Perish the thought.
“If the offence is only average, the defence isn’t even that. It starts pretty
well, with a strong D-line led by end Courtney Brown and tackle Gerald Warren.
But Cleveland let their entire linebacking corps go in the offseason, and are
reaping the benefits now...”
Benefits?
“Alright. “Benefits”, then. The entire group is basically far too slow, even
against an offence as lacking in speed as yours, and they aren’t helped by a
secondary that’s extremely so-so, former Viking strong safety Robert Griffith
aside. It all adds up to a defensive unit that’s ranked 31st in the NFL in terms
of points allowed. Take a wild stab in the dark as to who’s ranked dead last...”
-
Back to one of our old stamping-grounds, then, visiting the Cleveland Browns
Stadium.
Brilliant. How many hours did it take the boys in marketing to cook up that name? Still, I suppose you can’t expect much from a team who can’t
tell the difference between brown and orange. My games with Cleveland always
tended to be close because of their inconsistent but quick-strike offence and
their obligingly hopeless defence. The Ohio faithful seem to have had enough of
it this year as well, to judge by the fact that the teams probably outnumber the
crowd.
It doesn’t take long for the Oranges to show us some of that old magic. They win
the toss and take the ball to start, and three plays into the drive Kelly
Holcombe has to release a tad early as DT Russell Davis comes trundling up the
middle, throws right over the towering forehead of Dead-Eyed-Freak-Man Steve
Heiden and instead finds nickelback Terry Fair for the pick at our 48.
We come out intending to go for the throat with three wideouts in place, and for
some reason Cleveland absolutely fail to cover our deep threat, Bryan Gilmore,
as he runs a cross from left to right. Blake makes no mistake, Gilmore turns
upfield and is only run down after a 30 yard pickup. A quick slant to Johnno
puts us at the Orange 6, and Marcel Shipp carries half the Cleveland team into
the endzone to open the scoring. ARI 7-0 CLE
For some reason, despite the Oranges’ embarrassing depth at wideout, Holcombe
persists in trying to throw to his tight end, Fun-House-Mirror-Accident-Victim
Steve Heiden. Heiden responds to that faith by spilling the ball under
challenge, and Levar Fisher is there to fall on it for us! Wahe... oh,
challenged. Reversed. Gah. That call gives Cleveland their first first down of
the game at their own 36, but 3 runs only net 8 yards against our improving run
defence (okay, you’re right, it’s difficult to see how we could have gotten
worse) force the Oranges to punt away. We return the favour as Jeff Blake
temporarily switches off his targeting computer, and Scott Player slices the
kick out of bounds at the Cleveland 29. Damn.
But the streaky Orange offence is definitely running cold at the moment – a run,
an incompletion and a wideout screen net them 1 yard total, and it’s yet another
punt. It’s plain to see they’re going to need more help if they’re going to make
a game of this, so the sportsmanlike Marcel Shipp obligingly allows himself to
get hit behind the line and coughs up the ball, the big goon. Holcombe finally
finds a wide receiver, Dennis Northcutt beating the zone and getting to our 6
before the cover can get there. The front 7 does a nice job, though, and have
the Oranges looking at 3rd and goal at our 3. William Green’s been looking
dangerous all game without ever actually doing anything to justify that feeling,
though, and when he breaks a tackle in the backfield on the counter-strong
there’s no-one in front to stop him trotting easily into the endzone... until SS
Adrian Wilson appears as if by magic, ignores the big back’s attempt to spin
away from the tackle and sends Green flying back whence he came.
The point-blank field goal is good, but we’ve won the moral victory. Yes, we
have. ARI 7-3 CLE
The Orange front seven is having trouble handling Marcel Shipp whenever he can
actually keep his hands on the damn ball – 4 runs net 26 yards, and it’s only
when we get clever and get away from the ground game that we find ourselves in
trouble or, specifically, in The Official Down And Distance Of The Arizona
Cardinals at the Orange 30. They rush three and drop eight, yet somehow still
allow Anquan Boldin to get open enough on an in-route from the right side to
adjust to a pass thrown behind him, make a comfortable catch, set himself to
brush off a defender and stroll into the endzone for what looks suspiciously
like a big play. Whatever next? ARI 14-3 CLE.
The Oranges aren’t rattled, though, and won’t get drawn into panicking and going
to the air, pounding, pounding and pounding again with William Green. For 6
yards. Perhaps they ought to think about getting rattled? Marcel gets stuffed
twice, then Cleveland get greedy and try to catch us with a blitz. Jeff and
Johnno punish the rush, as they seem to have been doing all season – 16 yards
into Orange territory. We go back to the run, and grind the clock down to the
two minute warning and beyond. On 1st down at the Cleveland 31, we come out in
the 2RB/3WR formation that’s been so effective for us this season. Jeff draws
the blitz in then lets the pass float over the rushers into the hands of Marcel
Shipp, who beats two Orange tacklers with a sharp cut and sudden burst then,
scarily, outruns two more in a 20-yard sprint to the endzone – it’s a 31 yard
TD, Shipp’s longest play of the year – 1:39 left in the half, ARI 21-3 CLE
A facemask penalty on the ensuing kickoff sees the Oranges start at their own
41. Tay Cody, having a fairly disappointing season, gets his hands on two
consecutive passes but drops both and on 3rd down Kelly Holcombe finally
realises he should be throwing it to the blokes in the disgusting brown shirts
and finds Dennis Northcutt for the first, then again for 7 more to give them 2nd
down at our 35. They can’t convert, though, and Phil Dawson comes out to try a
loooooong field-goal that just barely creeps over the crossbar. Arse. Still, if
you’d offered me this score before a ball was kicked I’d probably have taken it
- ARI 21-6 CLE
-
So we’re up at halftime, which means nothing because we always seem to be
leading at the half yet somehow manage to wring spectacular defeat from the jaws
of victory. Cleveland have got the playmakers to get back into this if we give
them a chance – and let’s face facts, we’re going to give them a chance.
Shipp smashes straight up the gut on the opening play of the second half to
announce that our gameplan hasn’t changed a whit. Up trundle the Orange safeties
to try and help out against the big back, with gives Johnno some room to
operate, something he capitalises on with a 26-yard catch and run into
Clevelandland. Anquan and Marcel combine to get us to the 25, but Blake is hit
as he throws on first down and the ball hits the turf – as does Jeff, who comes
hobbling from the field complaining of pains in his chest. Ulp. 2nd year dingbat
Josh McCown goes in to replace him – double ulp – and we’re taking no chances, a
thump up the middle to take us to 3nd and 5, then Emmitt Smith getting a rare-ish
carry on 3rd down, figuring that if he makes it, great, if he doesn’t we’ll take
the figgie and leave the Oranges with a 3-score game. It looks for a second like
there’s no hole, then James Hodgins and Lenny Davis part the Brown Sea, Smith is
through like a ferret up a trouserleg, shrugs off Griffith like an old overcoat
and outruns the cover into the corner of the endzone like a mixed metaphor.
Special. ARI 28-6 CLE
I don’t know what Butch Davis said to his team at halftime, but whatever it was
seems to have done the job. We can’t get near Holcombe and he’s picking our
secondary apart – the drive ending with the quarterback finding yet another of
the thousands of NFL receivers called Johnson, who gets a front-row ticket for
another of the Arizona Cardinals Bad Tackling Masterclasses we’ve been putting
on with depressing regularity this season. 46 yards, and with the 2-point
conversion batted down at the line it’s ARI 28-12 CLE, 3:31 to go in the
3rd quarter.
Okay, well, no need to worry just yet. And a nice clock-grinding drive here will
settle our nerves very nicely, even with Jeff out for the rest of the quarter
with a slight ab strain.
How much do you want to bet we won’t get one?
Alright, you win. On 3rd and 5 we’re more or less forced to let Josh McCown
throw it and, to be fair to the boy, he does a nice job finding Johnno with
space to run, but as the rookie receiver turns upfield he’s hit from behind and
spills the ball, allowing Cleveland to get it back at their 46. Sigh. Holcombe
finds Kevin Johnson a-bloody-GAIN at our 35, but 2 incompletions and a sack on
The World’s Most Obvious Play-Action Pass on 3rd and 10 lead to a punt, the ball
downed at our 11. Dodged a bullet there.
Cleveland, on the other hand, have to respect it when we play-fake. McCown hits
Jones for 18 down the seam to end the third quarter, but Blake is showing rust
when he comes back in to start the fourth and we’re still having trouble putting
this bloody game to bed. Player sends his punt out of bounds at the Orange 34,
and they’ve got it back.
They get to our 35 in a hurry, courtesy of a pass to Quincy Morgan and another
bloody facemask penalty. Twice we get them to 4th down, twice Kevin bloody
Johnson gets them out of it, the first time with a 21-yarder to our 6, the
second time with a catch in the endzone on 4th and goal. Holcombe to Morgan adds
two points, and with 6:11 left suddenly we’ve got a bad case of the wobbles.
ARI 28-20 CLE
Jeff finds Anquan for a quick first down, but Marcel Shipp, who owned Cleveland
all the first half, now can’t get anything going at all and when Blake misses an
open Johnno on 3rd we’re forced to punt it away. Just for a change, like. The
punt’s a good ‘un, and Northcutt brings it in inside his 20. Quentin Harris is
right on the spot, arrives at the same time as the ball and sneaks his hand in
to rip the ball loose... Cleveland reserve cornerback Daylon McCutcheon
recovers, and advances the ball another twenty yards, and I’m suddenly starting
to get the creeping feeling that God doesn’t want me to win this one. 4:15 to
play, then, and the ball at the Orange 36. But not for long, as Green runs over
tacklers for 28, then on the very next play Quincy Morgan gets behind my
coverage and goes up in the endzone before coming down with the ball on a long
bomb... Back to Green for the deuce, and Cleveland have scored 21 unanswered
points. Cheers, God. ARI 28-28 CLE
Taking their cue from the Steelers last week, the Oranges are bringing heat on
every sodding down, and for roughly the first time all year it doesn’t look like
my line can cope. A sack on 1st down puts us into 2nd and 20 at the 2-minute
warning, and all three Orange fans who’ve showed up this afternoon are going
mental in the stands. Snap, another blitz, but this time Jeff’s expecting it and
he stands tall to find Johnno, who attracts a crowd and gets knocked down 2
yards shy of the first at midfield. Grr. Nothing fancy here, let’s just give it
to Marcel, grab our two yards and get set for the next set of downs... Marcel,
on the other hand, has other ideas. Having done nothing right for the entire
second half, he takes the handoff, finds half a hole between left tackle and
left guard, bounces off a tackler, picks up a little block, bounces off another
tackler, rides a challenge from Robert Griffith and suddenly finds himself
blinking in the bright sunlight of the open field. Now that 30-yard catch in the
1st half is only Shipp’s second-longest play of the year. ARI 35-28 CLE
That still leaves them a minute and a half to get back into this though and, of
course, they drive. With decent coverage on the wideouts, Holcombe goes back to
Slavering-Freak-Boy Steve Heiden on consecutive plays, then that utter tosspot
William Green rips off another big run (why hasn’t he been doing that in real
life, eh? Should’ve known better than to pick a sodding Orange for my fantasy
team, you can’t trust them to do bloody anything right) down to our 25, less
than a minute to play and Holcombe spikes the ball to stop the clock. We get a
little pressure on 2nd for the first time since dinosaurs roamed the earth and
force the quarterback to sling it away – 3rd and 10. The Oranges go to the
shotgun, and Holcombe looks for the man who’s been his clutch receiver all
bloody afternoon – Kevin sodding Johnson. He sees double coverage but trusts his
arm, rifles the ball in... and David “No-Mark” Barrett steps sharply in front to
make the pick and end the game. Ha haaa! In your face, God! Final score - ARI
35-28 CLE, our season record now 5-5.
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(c) daniel
roe 2004
